And so today...

...I find myself in the writing mood, but not necessarily in the mood to write here. You see, I have found comfort in writing to someone who can't read what I write. Not because they are illiterate, but because God is somewhat of an impish bastard, and has taken yet another friend into his home.

And yes, I just called God and impish bastard and I don't care if I burn for it. I am not, nor have I ever been a religious person, but if I were, I would have some very strong feelings against this icon that is supposed to help, and heal, and teach, and be wise, and kind. If given the chance to sit down with this religious ideal, I would prepare a slideshow with bullet points and many examples as to why I think he is a cruel, sick, jerk. And lets face it, nobody likes a jerk.

Besides the fact that if there were a God, and just for good measure, I will mention that I am not saying there isn't a God, I am just saying, no one has ever come back to tell me the tales of the afterlife. Nary a one.

But here is my theory, take it for what it is, it's only my opinion. Read it, love it, hate it, agree with it, disagree with it, doesn't really matter. Here goes. I find it very odd, the parallel between a God we are all supposed to believe in, have faith in, live our lives in honour of, and Santa Claus. Both intangible. The only difference being that when we are children, we found out one day, before adolescence, that there is no Santa Claus. That we were lied to, we were told to behave all year long so that Santa would visit on one special day a year, and we would be rewarded for our good behaviour. Sound familiar? Behave, all your life, and you will be rewarded for it once you leave this earth. And so there it is, I believe God is like Santa for adults. Except we don't ever find out the 'truth', that there is no God. Our day of truth or realization is only when we have passed. And those brief seconds that pass between life and death would only be darkness. The final realization that there is no white light, no passage to heaven to follow, no all accepting arms into which we find comfort for all eternity.

But then there is a part of me that finds comfort in the fact that maybe there is? Maybe I am wrong. And maybe a part of me hopes that I am wrong. Because I do find comfort in the fact that once people have passed on, that they are at peace. That they are not alone, that they become angels that watch over us, protect us, and heal us. I would like to believe that they know how we feel, and felt about them, even when they are no longer with us. That once they have passed, their life on earth was nothing but a fleeting moment in time and that they will spend the rest of eternity in the arms of angels. So here I sit hoping against hope, false or not, that there is a God. And He protects and loves and holds our dear friends who have passed and keeps them in his company forever and always.

This may be the most obvious statement ever written, but it has become clear to me that I have no idea what I believe in. If anything at all. I am caught somewhere between being a realist non-believer and an idealist who believes whole heartedly.

Having said all that, and yes, it's about to get even more complicated. I know, it's annoying, try living inside my head, for ONE DAY. Just one, and we'll see how you fair. Anyways, my point is, and yes I got a little caught up in my rant and haven't brought 'er home yet, trust me, it's coming to a close, that if there is a God, how can he allow such awful things in this life? And more importantly, how can he allow these things to happen to the undeserving? How is it that a rapist, or a murder, or a pedophile or anyone equally horrific, can live to be 100 and have little or no loss in their life. They are never the ones to get cancer or some other equally tragic disease, to lose a child, to lose a spouse, to say goodbye to a friend. Why? Why do these people pass through life causing pain and turmoil at any and every chance they get, yet they receive no life lesson or punishment?! So why the cruel and unjust punishment for people who have lived their lives as honestly and as loyally as possible?

Some sayings I hate:
- Sometimes these things just happen
- We are only given as much as we can handle
- They are in a better place now
- They are at peace

Fuck that, fuck all of that. These things don't just happen. We are given more than we can handle, hence the suicide rate globally. They are not in a better place, the place they should be is here. While they may very well be at peace, it isn't fair and they should be here. At peace. With us.

So that's all I have the energy for today. I'm sure the rant will continue another day. Ciao.

Super XO