I think I spend most of my time day dreaming. Not because life is so mundane that there is nothing else to do. But just because I find it particularly appealing to dream about things as I wish they were and not as they are. I find it particularly disheartening to hear the phrase, “I never dream”. Even if you don’t dream in your sleep, you dream. Everyone dreams. Whether they are big dreams, or small dreams, or dreams exclusive to the heart, they are dreams nonetheless.
As of late, I have been dreaming exclusively with my big, stupid heart. Big dreams, exclusive to the heart, kind of dreams. And it’s always such a letdown when you think you are dreaming so hard, the hardest, that it is impossible for your dream to not come to fruition. You are dreaming the hardest and no one could possibly be dreaming quite as hard as you.
And yes, I understand that wishing and hoping and dreaming is useless unless you are taking some kind of action towards your particular fantasy. Which is why my heart is particularly disappointed today. Usually I just kind of sit back and let things play out as they should, as they were meant, with no particular action or investment on my part. But as of late, I sort of invested in something with my heart whole heartedly, I might add. I jumped in feet first, or heart first as it were, only to have my dreams crushed. Well, not exactly crushed, but I’m the type of person, that is kind of a selfish asshole, and when I don’t get what I want, how I want it, when I want it, I feel silly for having wanted it in the first place. I’m not the type to pout, or sulk, or through a hissy fit. It’s more of an inner discouragement. It’s kind of a, “Why bother?” type feeling that doesn’t easily shove out of the mind.
But aside from being a selfish asshole, I am also a stubborn asshole. I really don’t, can’t, won’t give up that easily. It could very well be a severe case of, “I just want what I can’t have”. But things seem different this time. This time, I could have had exactly what I wanted, but having left things up to circumstance and chance, because I like things to happen organically and hate when things feel forced, I missed the boat. Or the boat missed me, or perhaps, it ran me over, repeatedly, not sure which, but either way, it hurt like a Monday morning. And I have to say, it doesn’t happen often that I don’t get my way, and when I don’t, I can say with confidence, I certainly don’t like the feeling. And because I don’t want to sound like a HUGE asshole, I will say, it’s not that I didn’t get my way, per say, that has me so flustered. It’s the fact that, not often do I want something so badly that I willingly jump feet first/heart first into it. I can be a little guarded, to say the least, so when I finally do decide to be less guarded, and something like this happens. I feel silly. Discouraged, and silly.
But if every heart break, or disappointment, or discouragement led us to surrender, we’d never really live. We’d never really be hurt, we’d never really feel, and we’d never really experience anything other than the same old, same old. And we’d also never really know when something truly special came waltzing into our lives. So, I missed the boat, or the boat missed me, or I got run over. So what? Shit happens. And it’s going to happen again and again…and again. I’d be lying if I said I had never broken someone’s heart, because I have, and I think I did it with kindness. Rather, I did it with kind intentions, because I know what it is to be the breakee, and not the breaker.
So call me a dreamer, if you wish, but I don’t think I am the only one ;)
Super XO
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